Completely spacing out over dinner. Conversations run through and flow by I and R.
I just sat there, quietly eating my bowl of fish head noodles. Thinking, when would this conversation end.

It hurts, in a way. Looking at something that you should have been part of but end up standing on the other side.
And nothing hurts even more than disappointment itself.

I remember how J use to tell me not to complain so much, as I was already better off than a lot of people.
I guess this is exactly what he meant.

You see people bitching about what to buy, this and that.
And you just sit there and wonder do I have money for this coming month.

The irony.


NFTB
Completely numb.

It's that time of the year when think that you should start blogging again, cause everything internally is a huge ball of mess, and you just want to sort things out and this is one of the micro way to start.
Plus, it's December, the time of the year, where everyone you know or on Facebook starts summarising the year, and as if that's gonna do any good.

I guess in a way it actually does, cause you get a very clear idea of how low you fell, or how high you climbed.
With the bad, you know you would never in a chance fell that low again, and with the good, you strive to achieve something as good, or even better in the future.
But I don't think publicly sharing the low part of life is a norm, and the so call "humble bragging" on social media is one of the way to gain fame or attention.
Everyone is an individual after all, we can do whatever the fuck we want as long as we're happy about it, or it's self justifiable.

So yea, back to the topic.
This year has been, I guess the simplest way to put it, it's pure shit.
Shits, one after another. From being financial capable to now not being able to save a single dime.
On the bright side, it's a very good experience, cause to be honest, until this year, I never thought I was actually quite well fed, and being so call independent, the journey of growing up, this is part of the process.
You start appreciating what you've had, and work hard because it's just not nice to be in this position.
You make sacrifices that hurts you internally, because there's really no other way.

Until this point, I'm quite numb with everything.
The dark side of me keeps telling me what's the point of going through all of this.
How can you be so sure that after all of these, when things starts to pick up, everything is gonna be better? It can be a total different thing, and is that even justifiable?
I guess you wouldn't know, until you're actually there.

I'm happy for the gang, where everyone found someone.
Cause as much as we can have the mentality of being together forever, but I don't think it's gonna last that long, and we all know nothing last forever.
For sure, along the way, something or some shit is gonna happen.
But at least now, if it does happen, everyone will have a place to fall to, and I guess that's the most important thing.

As for me, I'm fine with being like this, cause I will be forever not good enough, and that's okay.
Like now, smoking my life away.
Never really thought I will that kind of person, but hey, you know what shit happens, and fuck it I'm gonna smoke.

To end this rant of randomness, in this world, where your presence on social media justifies who you are as a person, nothing else that you don't post on social media doesn't really matter.
You find a spot, crawl there, get into a fetal position, and sulk in all the bad that has happened.
The next day, get up, put on a smile, a positive attitude to go through the day, and pretend everything is okay, cause no one really cares in the end.


NFTB

Of feeling dejected, betrayed and belittled.

I guess I always have the tendency of trying to put the people I care about first, instead of me, which is the main reason why I'm currently stuck in this situation.

Just when you thought that you have good friends that you are able to share literally everything with them, but end up being not shared about what's going on with them, makes me feel so dejected.

To know that where you stand in this friendship, this society, just makes me feel so worthless.

You're such unworthy friend, hence I cannot trust you with what's going on through my life.

I guess that's it.

I hate living.


"NFTB"

別說你還好
沒什麼不好 你就怨日子枯燥
沒什麼煩惱 恐怕就想到 什麼生存意義想到沒完沒了
你給我聽好 想哭就要笑
其實你知道煩惱會解決煩惱




NFTB.

I think this is the most depressed state that I have ever been in.
I'm depressed for no particular reasons and this shitty feeling that I'm feeling is eating me, slowly.

I was late for work two weeks straight.
I don't feel like talking to anyone when i get into work.
I can barely wake up in the morning.
I feel like slapping everyone.
Hanging out the guys doesn't even help.

I just hate the need to justify myself to myself.
Tell myself that things are like this because of these theses and that.
It's just an endless cycle of self belittling.

Maybe this is the sign that I need to turn to some religion for an answer, an answer of all these shitty feeling that I feel.
Or maybe I am this unhappy because of the choices I've made.
Thinking that what was right back then now seem so wrong.

"NFTB"
I believe there's no right or wrong, just a matter of perception at the moment.

I like how we have become nowadays, or at least how I have become, to possess the incapability of writing an essay, or short paragraphs when I am not forced to.

To be honest, I hate it. 

I guess this mostly originate from my secondary school, even though it's a good school, but it taught me nothing about wanting to do something because you want to instead of  you're being forced to, but not really forced in some manner. 

And I've been restricted to 140 words tweets, pointless facebook status ramble. 

So, here I am, sitting here, wondering what happened to that guy that was capable of writing a 600 words to 1000 words essay in a mere 2 hours. 

Essays about life, about the environment or even about ridiculous stories that doesn't even make any fucking sense. 

I hate for fact that facebook and instagram defines who we are.

I hate for fact that I am not longer part of something musical.

I hate for fact my job is draining every little piece of my creativity.

I hate for fact that I've been dwelling on the same issue over and over.

Let's dedicate this post as the last time of speaking of such issues.

Cause we all know in a year's or two's time we wouldn't even feel anything.

NFTB

I guess it sucks to be an INTP living in this current society.
I remember my colleague asked me the other day, how long would I need to take to get over something?
I replied something, you'll eventually get over it, or you just get so frustrated about it and then you feel numb.

And I sit here, with thoughts running all over my head like some lil piece shit running around in H&M.
deleting and typing over and over.

What's the point of all these?

I do feel sorry, for the fact I am such a horrible person that I can't find that ounce of motivation in this pathetic body of mine.

But what have happened, happened.

As much I want to go back to whatever it was back then, I just can't.

Maybe for fact that I just wanted to go along with you cause if I don't there comes the arguments which I don't wanna face.

And along that line, I don't know who I am anymore. I can't see the person I wanna be anymore.

I just wanna close my eyes, roll into a ball, and fade into nothingness.


NFTB