Been not writing for the past few days, well, I just couldn't think of anything in particular to write.

I've been staring at this page for way too long to think up something to write, which I kinda lose my temper and go onto facebook. Anyway, I'm gonna write something, now.

I've been sleeping a lot lately, well I'm not those type of people that sleeps a lot, but recently, I'm sleeping a lot.

Well, I slept this much because I found out that sleeping could make time goes faster, and I don't have think.

It's not that I have a lot to think about, it's just that when I let my mind wonder around, and it kinda leads to you, which isn't a good thing, but I've not been missing you that much eh, but still, you're the last person I wanna think about.

So sleeping has become my new best friend, he's there whenever you need him. =)

理想

什么是理想？

我的理想又是什么？

或许我的理想早已在我发现这社会的现实时，离我而去

但我现在还是有我的理想，它不是那种如拯救世界般伟大的理想

它很简单，简单的程度，会让我觉得有点堕落

现在的理想

上大学：随便上一所容易念的大学，考个还可以的成绩出来，然后呢，就看成绩如何，够好的华，就出国拿master，不好的话，就开始做工。

我不懂，或许我把理想的定义扭曲了，但在这现实的体系低下，

这就是很理想的理想了，因为你未必能确保你上的了大学，你不能确保你能顺利地毕业，你不能确保能找到一份工作。所以，谈何拯救世界般的理想呢？

I don't know what do I really want.

All I know is that, I wanna move pass this stage and see what's gonna happen next.

'NFTB'

Below, are the things I wrote on Peisan's ipod.

Well, it may not be the best essay in world, but it's coming from a guy that experienced it.

Love
What is love? For me, I'll say it's that weird feeling you have when you're with someone you like, well, you can't really tell whether it's love you're feeling or not. Some times you gotta make a few turns, had a few bumps on the head then you finally realize what's love. I can't say that I know exactly what is love, but to my definition, yeah, I think I experienced it.

Things might be hard, but we don't stop trying because it's hard, we try even more because it's hard, and you just want see what on the other side and so you don't stop trying.

Everyone has their own definition for love, and I believe everyone has done something crazy for the people they love. Maybe from a third person view, the things you've did could be really insane or stupid, but you wouldn't know what's the feeling. The feeling of meeting someone after so much time, the excitement, your heart just pounds really fast and you kinda lost track of the world when you thought of meeting him.

I have experienced what a 18 year old could ever experienced. Should I say I'm just lucky? Or should I say everything was fated. I grew, was once this boy who didn't know how to love and after meeting you, things changed, I've changed.

Words couldn't explain how I'm feeling. It's a combination of happiness and sadness. Randomness just wouldn't stop wondering in my mind. I can't do anything about this fated future, but all I could do right now is to prepare myself to fight against this world.

'NFTB'

So, I've turn a few rounds, bump my head against the wall for quite few times, only to realize that how important you are in my life. I would never be where I am without your existence. Thank you really really much.

"NFTB"

Had a great day today.

While watching Love Disguise, I teared.

I didn't know why I teared, I think, most of us don't know why we teared.

I teared, as the movie scene was really touching, the things he said, and the I thought of you.

Hmmm.

And so, the movie ends.

Everything was left there.

I'm still feeling good.

"NFTB"

Gosh, I hate school.

And so it seems I really feel that way.

It's back to the same questions with the Ifs.

Life isn't like that, there aren't any ifs.

'NFTB'

Well, aren't things different.

But I rather I didn't know what you told me.

Hmm.

It really sucks huh?

The position we're in.

"NFTB"

Well, aren't things different.

But I rather I didn't know what you told me.

Hmm.

It really sucks huh?

The position we're in.

"NFTB"

Music is the only thing that could heal souls.

Why am I again so down?

Because I tend to believe that the most impossible things will some how happen.

How stupid of me.

Damn.

Kinda addicted to the song.

And the point of listening is because of the phrase

努力学习宽恕 原谅那错误

Yeah, forgiveness.

I need to forgive myself.

'NFTB'

What am I doing?

Basically, I'm just trying to sell myself.

Yeap, I'm that cheap.

'NFTB'

或许我知道自己的位子后

就不再努力了

我真的不再努力

因为即使在努力 也得不到想要的东西，也去不到要去的地方

为何自讨苦吃

或许外国的天空真得比较大

但是 失去意义的东西

就根本没理由继续追求

我就这样的堕落下去

NTU NUS　新加坡

算了吧

我没资格进

这边读inti, taylor's, sunway.

其实也不错嘛

一样能活

我很懦弱

我懂

我不想改

我很stubborn

积极完全消失了

"NFTB"

When the things you were fighting for changed it's way.

What will you do?

Will you still fight for it even though it's not the same anymore?

Or will you change your way, to find a better future?

Well, since you're not gonna be in Singapore anymore.

So, I wonder if there's still a point for me to go there?

I mean, should I even study that hard to get in?

This is not who I am.

Gosh.

Phucked up much?

'NFTB'

To you.

I highly doubt you'll ever read this.

but what the heck.

'NFTB'

WAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH

I'M GOING A BIT NUTS RIGHT NOW.

I SERIOUSLY THINK I'M GONNA FLUNK MY BIO EXAM.

YEAH!!! =(

GOSH.

WHAT TO DO?

'NFTB'

我快人格分裂了吗？

现在脑里有两种态度

一个是 什么都不想管的态度

而这个态度又不完全的掌控

一个是很有上进，很积极的态度

但在那些积极的想法后面，总是很虚

怎么办？

'NFTB'

何谓现在这时段的痛苦？

看着课本

看着考题

就是痛苦

感觉就像 把自己的头 砸在地上

不停的砸， 砸到脑浆爆出来为此

金华老师所谓的尽力

就算拿个30分， 也较尽力

理科老师所谓的尽力

拿A才算吧尽力吧？

我不否认我很弱

人笨过猪就算了

努力也不过只有那两三下

怎么跟别人斗阿？

要放弃，又放不下

读书到底要来干嘛？

它，能吃的吗？

"NFTB"

Hmmm.

I wondering.

I have this headache which it's aching on the top of my head.

Is it the coffee or it's the knowledge that I'm trying to stuff into my lousy brain?

Hmm.

I bet it's the knowledge.

"NFTB"

One of the best flute orchestra I heard.

The harmony, the purity.

Really, it's to die for.

@_@

Man, I wanna start practicing again.

Anyway, while was eating dinner just now,

something occurred to me.

If I were given the chance to choose what I would want to do now.

What would it be?

Would it be music? Or would it be the other stuff that I had in mind?

Moving on, if I chose music, would I be complaining the same things as I am doing it now?

I really don't know.

Maybe I'll suffer, but I'll suffer with joy which is totally different from what I'm dealing with right now.

By far it seems that this is a circle.

A circle of the things you want but you couldn't get and when you got it you starts to complain about it.

Hmmm.

I do not want to become a person like that.

'NFTB'

Off to study.

What is studying all about?

Do we study for the knowledge?

Or we're just studying for the results?

I'm more to studying for the results.

As I was raised by a realistic mother, everything was about money.

I was told to be good at study so that I could get good grades which leads to scholarships and excellent universities.

But, what's the point?

When you get older, your brain starts to think on it's own.

Well, basically that's your thoughts.

And you found out that actually some issues that your parents told you are totally crap.

And yet you can't do anything about it, and you just say yes to whatever your mum tells you.

Argh.

Yesterday, during my bm paper.

A teacher came and told me if I'm still wearing low cut socks the next exam, she's gonna kick me out.

Hmmm, and I thought.

It's an exam, does your appearance affects anything?

I was a little pissed off for one sec, but then I realized that I should not be effected just because she's a walking mimic.

Sometimes, you find that some school rules which are totally brainless and doesn't effect your studies but the school are still embracing it.

What the hell.

Should I care more.

'NFTB'

Hmmm.

Well, I'm actually better from where I was.

So, screw all the things that brought me down.

=)

"NFTB"

I'm really happy, mentally, not physically.

You are the one who made me feel this way.

Thank you, really, thank you.

It's been a long time since I felt this way.

Maybe things will turn out to be something good, who knows?

Well, it might turn out to be something bad, but hope exist in every situation.

So, might as well think of the good side.

'NFTB'

Off to school now. =)