Completely spacing out over dinner. Conversations run through and flow by I and R.
I just sat there, quietly eating my bowl of fish head noodles. Thinking, when would this conversation end.

It hurts, in a way. Looking at something that you should have been part of but end up standing on the other side.
And nothing hurts even more than disappointment itself.

I remember how J use to tell me not to complain so much, as I was already better off than a lot of people.
I guess this is exactly what he meant.

You see people bitching about what to buy, this and that.
And you just sit there and wonder do I have money for this coming month.

The irony.


NFTB
Completely numb.

It's that time of the year when think that you should start blogging again, cause everything internally is a huge ball of mess, and you just want to sort things out and this is one of the micro way to start.
Plus, it's December, the time of the year, where everyone you know or on Facebook starts summarising the year, and as if that's gonna do any good.

I guess in a way it actually does, cause you get a very clear idea of how low you fell, or how high you climbed.
With the bad, you know you would never in a chance fell that low again, and with the good, you strive to achieve something as good, or even better in the future.
But I don't think publicly sharing the low part of life is a norm, and the so call "humble bragging" on social media is one of the way to gain fame or attention.
Everyone is an individual after all, we can do whatever the fuck we want as long as we're happy about it, or it's self justifiable.

So yea, back to the topic.
This year has been, I guess the simplest way to put it, it's pure shit.
Shits, one after another. From being financial capable to now not being able to save a single dime.
On the bright side, it's a very good experience, cause to be honest, until this year, I never thought I was actually quite well fed, and being so call independent, the journey of growing up, this is part of the process.
You start appreciating what you've had, and work hard because it's just not nice to be in this position.
You make sacrifices that hurts you internally, because there's really no other way.

Until this point, I'm quite numb with everything.
The dark side of me keeps telling me what's the point of going through all of this.
How can you be so sure that after all of these, when things starts to pick up, everything is gonna be better? It can be a total different thing, and is that even justifiable?
I guess you wouldn't know, until you're actually there.

I'm happy for the gang, where everyone found someone.
Cause as much as we can have the mentality of being together forever, but I don't think it's gonna last that long, and we all know nothing last forever.
For sure, along the way, something or some shit is gonna happen.
But at least now, if it does happen, everyone will have a place to fall to, and I guess that's the most important thing.

As for me, I'm fine with being like this, cause I will be forever not good enough, and that's okay.
Like now, smoking my life away.
Never really thought I will that kind of person, but hey, you know what shit happens, and fuck it I'm gonna smoke.

To end this rant of randomness, in this world, where your presence on social media justifies who you are as a person, nothing else that you don't post on social media doesn't really matter.
You find a spot, crawl there, get into a fetal position, and sulk in all the bad that has happened.
The next day, get up, put on a smile, a positive attitude to go through the day, and pretend everything is okay, cause no one really cares in the end.


NFTB